january 2011. mixing!

wondering... if i had endless amounts of money, and didn't have to work. what would i do right now?

i would divide my life between a few favourite spots. some african country, some asian country, and some southern european one. (all geographical details left outside of this conversation.)
i would still practice yoga every day. (but i would buy a new mat instead of using the same old one which keeps falling apart with each practice, forcing me to take out the hoover a little too often)
i would take my computer and my camera everywhere. (of course, some updated versions of both would be more accurate in this new imaginatory life)
i would breathe, smell, taste, feel, listen and experience life wherever i was. nature. people. food. coffee. culture. religion. i would take pictures of it, write about it, and observe it.

observe life, and then take part in it, as it is. that's what i would do. ride on the back of a motorbike through lush, tropical landscapes, rice-paddy-fields and mediterranean cobbled streets. at other times ride an old grandma-bike down hills and then drag it back up just to do the downhill again.
i would listen to the stories of the people i met, write them down, extract their wisdom, mix it into mine. i would photograph moments i encountered, capture their essence, extract their sap and enclose it within a frame forever.
i would live in little temporary places, a little hut surrounded by palmtrees, or a small flat overlooking the tiny square.
i would eat food from street-stalls, and have yet another coffee.
i would dance barefoot in the sand and climb the rocks, naked, at sunset.
and i would play with the children rather than be a boring grown-up.
i always wondered at the fact that i sometimes feel more at home in a very distant culture, than i do in my country of birth.

but it's who i am. an observer, wandering around the world, observing people and life, through the connecting moment i make when i am there, in their life. i exist and come to life through the mixing with another, with the other. because when i do the same thing over and over, and stay in the same place for some time, i start to fade away. i NEED that mixing, that meeting, that moment of observation and clashing, that melting-point.

i exist through mixing. the heavier i mix- the further away i go, and the more different from myself the mixing enitity is- the more alive i feel. i feel as if time expands rather than ticks on and on and away from me.
i fade through non-mixing. the longer i do the same routine over and over, the more time i stay in my country of birth, the less alive i feel. no mixing is happening. and time seems to just move on and on, without me having lived, while just mechanically performing daily duties and routines.
i am lucky, though. i already did all of the above for 12 years. except i had to work my ass off in between the journeys- and it's wearing me out. (i know i said that many times before...but this time, i am so, so, sooo tired... i'm not that young anymore, huh)
but maybe i needed 12 years of mixing my birth country into the picture. maybe i'll even need more- that i won't know until i have mixed something else into the picture, so i can mix myself back to life again. and maybe i only appreciate the mixing of other places, because i have gotten unmixed back in Sweden.

i'm so lucky to have mixed so many moments into my life experience. i flick through my memory banks and different places and situations flash by me. a small town in mexico full of tiny, square-shaped men watching some sports on TV, drinking Sol, in the middle of the day. The name of the bar was "el Gato Negro" and it had cowboy-doors just like in american movies. another moment in tanzania, on a private meeting with bushpeople, handing over the special gift they had asked for; marijuana. watching them puffing on the pipe, greedily filling up their lungs, and then coughing them right back out while giggling like children. an invitation for dinner at a big indian Mama's house, watching her as she parades her whole collection of chutneys from the back room, while wiping the constant trickle of sweat on my upper lip in the sweltering tropical heat, greedily waiting for my stainless-steel-plate to be filled with delicacies.

my dream:
three continents. three countries. three lives to mix myself, merge myself, blend myself within. and the three locations would always be open to change...and mix. always open, life always open and flowing, never stagnating...in stagnant waters grow disease- particulary malaria, in tropical places. been there, done that!
one yoga mat, one computer, one camera, one notebook, one me, one life to live.
and in case you were wondering, only one love.
(you know who you are)

actually, i am not that far away from living my dream.
i am just tired from working my ass of in January 2011. very, very tired. feeling a bit like time is running away from me while i'm running the same cycle over and over again. like a hamster in a wheel. time is disappearing while i work my ass off, doing the same thing every day. but in reality, it has only been two months of intense work and running the wheel. but it feels like a waste of my life, and right now, i feel very un-mixed.
i just want as much life packed into my life for as long as i live it! but i need money to do it. (or is that an excuse?)
the dream seems far away from where i am now- but before i know it, i will be out there again, mixing. like i always do.