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Showing posts from March, 2011

March 2011

March 2011 is almost at its end.
As I completed my list of worked hours at my job, I became a little bit afraid of myself.
I worked a LOT and I had VERY FEW days off.
Most of those days off, I had a yoga class- I teach 4 classes a week- so I started to add these extra hours on top of the hours I did at my care-job and realised that basically, the month of March 2011, was spent working, very very hard. On the 28th, my boss said I was not allowed to work any more hours, as I had reached full-time. Then they were desperate for help on the 29th, and I happily added another day to my list, and I still wanted more, (2 more days to this month, two more days to work!!) but they said "enough, miss Workaholic".

On top of that, I practiced a lot of yoga, almost every day, and I spent a lot of time with my inner demons and angels, and as a cherry on top of that mountain, I spent some lovely moments with my dear friends and family.
Great, productive month. Still not tired.
But maybe …

in my mind

ever since i was very young, my key words have been "freedom" and "dreams"
these two words were so tasty in my mouth.
i used to write them in my diary, i used to colour them and think of them in different contexts.

now, this has developed into "freedom from my mind, so that i can live my dreams"
see, i keep writing about living our dreams. i think it is an essential part of life, to develop our dreams, our deepest talents, our deepest purpose, and be able to live it, to flower, to become as full and expansive human beings as we can be.
i know we all carry enormous potential. each human heartbeat is like a universe of creation and possibilities. we all have it, no one is excempt, everyone included.
ask any child, and they will tell you their dream.
a child in the slums of Mumbai and a child in a suburb of Chicago- same same. each human heartbeat is equally pure and creative from the start.

if you asked me when i was a child what my dreams were, i would …


outside my window there is an ocean of absolutely perfect clouds
inside my body there is an ocean of absolutely imperfect cloudiness

Live your dreams before you die- the story of a woman who didn't

I was working day and night to save money for my next trip.
It was in 2004.
I had returned from a trip to Africa, where I had travelled through several countries, and when I came back, I started planning my next trip, which was gonna be a very long one, including several south east asian countries and then a first visit to India.
So I spent days, evenings and night shifts, working and saving money.
This means, in the nature of my job, that you meet certain individuals several times a day, and you become part of their daily routine, as this is what I do: I help people with their daily life, in their home.

Initially, this lady had just a little bit of help. I was mostly there in the evenings, helping her get to bed. There were always two of us staff, and we always had a great time with her- she was really friendly and funny, always laughing and joking, despite her serious condition.
This lady suffered from ALS.

"Persons with ALS have a loss of muscle strength and coordination …

on a sunny day

today we had 14 degrees and a happy shining sun warming up our day. what a treat!
little blossoms are peeking out everywhere..
Spring is slow here up north, but it makes it even more noticeable, as it makes us, the spectators, so fascinated, so sensitized to each and every little crack of sunlight
We are like goofy parents standing at the crib of their newborn baby, seeing every move, clapping our hands at every little fart, smile and wave of the chubby hand.

At work today, I went for a stroll with an old lady. She took ages to get ready and wanted to wear all her usual wooly winter clothes, and she did not take me seriously when I insisted it was WARM. (why on earth would she take me seriously? yesterday it was COLD!)
But as we walked, her hat came off, her coat was unbuttoned, and she turned her face to the warm, friendly sun, and she sighed with bliss. Her husband died just a few weeks ago, and today, I saw her smile for the first time, and she looked at ease, and relaxed.

After t…

something's in the air

something's in the air.
i can feel it.
things are ... brighter...clearer...
or is it me, who is brighter, clearer?
somebody likes my pictures, my vision, the way is see,
enough to blow some of them up,
frame them,
and decorate their home with them.
it is hard to believe; my heart stopped as i walked into this home.
i had tears in my eyes
and i felt grateful-
i felt SEEN.
this is the child of those crazy people,
who have decorated their home with my vision.
poor kid!!
what's he gonna be?
(joking. he has the best parents in the world.)
the sky is so amazing last few weeks.
the spring is coming.
you see it in the sky.
you hear it in the bird song.
you feel it in the air.
the sunsets are a wild theatrical performance lately.
i chase them.
lucky enough to drive a car at both my jobs,
i drive out into the wild,
and chase beautiful sunsets.
forest, waking up, forest.
still naked and cold,
but you FEEL the spring coming,
not yet blossoming, but the growth, you almost hear it
as it crea…

Madonna - Justify My Love - Official Music Video HD

so sexy...

i wanna kiss you on Paris
i wanna hold your hand in Rome
i wanna run naked in a rainstorm
make love in a train
across the country
you put this in me
so now what

i don't wanna be your mother
i don't wanna be your sister either
i just wanna be your lover

tell me your dreams
am i in them?
tell me your fears
are you scared....?
tell me your stories... i'm not afraid of who you are
we can fly...

love me
that's right
love me

i wanna be your baby

my dream-list

my dreams right now:
-to live in Barcelona, Cape Town, (and maybe New York) a few years each
-to travel in Madagascar, the Congo, Mocambique, Angola & Kap Verde
-to write a book (or several)
-to learn Spanish, Italian & Polish fluently
-to go to Sicily, Provence, Portugal & Sardinia for mainly EATING, INHALING & pure pleasure
-to become a very good photographer
-to spend more time in India, photographing & writing
-to spend more time in Kraków, Poland, and especially in Kazimerz, that amazing Jewish area of the city, with whispering walls
-to learn to make Polish food
-to one day have a house somewhere in Africa, in a remote place, inside the wilderness
-to go back to Indonesia; especially Aceh, and spend some more time with that beautiful family
-to travel more in Indonesia; Papua New Guinea & East timor
-to see certain people again that have affected my life deeply, no names needed, I know who
-to be able to make money from doing all of the above, how??-onl…

a boring but necessary year in sweden to cultivate my dreams

for as long as I can remember, I have had a very strong feeling about the word "DREAMS".
To listen to your dreams, and to follow your dreams. This made something inside me click.
Maybe I read it in a book when I was very young I don't know, maybe I felt it from inside me, I don't know.
I always did follow my dreams, too. They often included trying new things, travelling to new places, meeting certain people, fragrances, tastes and sounds.
I have written many lists with dreams to make true- and I am always pleasantly surprised when I, a few years later, find the lists, and see that I did make many of them come true.
The potential to live our dreams is much bigger than we think at the time when it is just a dream, just a thought, an impulse- a longing for an experience.
But something kept stopping me from living my dreams.
I had the courage, the strength and the will to follow my dreams- but I never quite managed to live them fully.
Something always stopped me and …

things fall apart

most relationships i have been in, have ended with the same feeling.
i feel, on the inside, as if i have been compromising myself in order to fit the other person.
more times than not, do i blame the other, for being manipulative.
but i realise in retrospect, that this is not at all close to the truth.
i compromise myself, in order to be loved.
i think i'm not good enough the way i am.
why is it so hard to stay me?
why do i feel that i need to be what i am not, in order to fit the other?
in every situation like this, i have fought a war inside me.
on the outside i submitted, but on the inside i was roaring. there were machine-guns and heavy artillery, explosions and death. i hated myself for doing this, for compromising me. but i had no idea of how to change it, how to be me, completely free from fear.
they say you need to love yourself before you can be loved/love someone else. sounds like such an old cliché, but i do think it is actually more than true.
it is essential.
we n…

constipation and sunsets in sri lanka

as soon as we landed in Colombo airport, i was to be quiet, he was to do the talking. he had grown up in south asia, he said, so he knew the ways. also, he said, western women are not respected, and so you might as well not even try.
i felt as if i had a blow to my stomach. i had thought that this, our first journey together, was gonna be a shared experience, where both of us, longtime travellers, would co-operate in many ways.
in fact, we met on the road, and we flowed so good together in thailand, that we thought we were meant to be, just through that incredible flow of money, organising, eating, talking and discovering. great travelling buddies, great travelling romance.
but in sri lanka, he was not flowing. he wanted to be the boss. and i immediately got constipated.
actually, i had doubted whether i should really go on this trip at all. first of all, i wanted to go to india. but he was born in pakistan, with the crazy twisted fate of having an indian mother, but still born on …