in my mind

ever since i was very young, my key words have been "freedom" and "dreams"
these two words were so tasty in my mouth.
i used to write them in my diary, i used to colour them and think of them in different contexts.

now, this has developed into "freedom from my mind, so that i can live my dreams"
see, i keep writing about living our dreams. i think it is an essential part of life, to develop our dreams, our deepest talents, our deepest purpose, and be able to live it, to flower, to become as full and expansive human beings as we can be.
i know we all carry enormous potential. each human heartbeat is like a universe of creation and possibilities. we all have it, no one is excempt, everyone included.
ask any child, and they will tell you their dream.
a child in the slums of Mumbai and a child in a suburb of Chicago- same same. each human heartbeat is equally pure and creative from the start.

if you asked me when i was a child what my dreams were, i would have answered without hesitation that i was going to be a writer.
the dream-list expanded as i grew up- but being a writer is my original dream. the topics to write about started developing when me and my family travelled each year to poland, where i saw a different life. i saw poverty and i saw religion, i saw a different way of looking after each other and i saw a life much different from my own. this inspired me and fed me, it expanded my being, and i started seeing life from different angles, not just the angle i had geographically been born into. my dream-list started to include travelling, different cultures, and the effect religion and/or poverty potentially has on a society and a human heart.
at the time, Poland was living behind the "iron curtain" of communism, and the environment was grey, square and depressing. But the lives inside the tiny, cramped flats were so full of love, home-cooking, flower-patterned aprons, and Jesus and Mary figurines.

i followed many dreams. i have absolutely no fear of going somewhere, leaving something behind- nor do i have any attachment to any particular home or material possessions. it has been so easy to take off and travel and observe the world- almost too easy at times. it seems to happen almost by itself once i get the ball rolling.
but something happens once the ball starts to slow down and roll towards my dream-goal.
my mind takes over.
the judge blows its whistle
and starts screaming at me, loudly, that i am not good enough, and i don't deserve this.
millions of reasons why i cannot keep running towards my dream-goal gets shouted at me by the judge and most of the times this happened, i gave up. i was afraid that the harsh voice of the judge was right. so i turned around, and ran away, back to where i came from- or sometimes, to a new dream.
often, i realised only after, that it was ME who had stopped myself from running towards my dream. i blamed circumstances and gave rational explanations to myself and others, not aware that it was the judge in myself, the mind of myself, that had stopped me, because it was afraid i wasn't gonna make it. FEAR stopped me. THE FEAR OF MY OWN MIND. not ME, the pure, creative, original, child-me, but the tight, fearful mind of the adult-me.
at those moments, when i flee, i am not free from my mind to live my dreams, because i have too much fear that i will not be able to do it, and i don't love and trust my original me enough to think that she truly deserves her dream.

i escaped my dreams over and over again, i'm embarassed to say it, but i did.
truth is though, i was unconscious about my behaviour. i honestly believed the judge, blowing his whistle at me, telling me that i wouldn't make that goal, telling me to run the other direction.
i hear him blowing his whistle at me a lot lately. he's telling me i'm ugly, unworthy, that i should go hide in a cave somewhere, or on a remote beach in asia, not do what i'm doing now, not think i can attain that dream-goal.
when it comes to love, he really gets off. he starts to sweat and he comes running after me and screams at the top of his lungs into my ear, that no one can love me. just look at you- ugly, stupid cow. you run like a professional towards that goal, but come on, you're a donkey, you're a monster. if someone claims to love you, it's because they want something from you. they don't like YOU- so turn back. his voice if so loud, that i cannot hear myself, that pure, child-me, inside my heart.

i have come to realise many things about myself lately, and the realisation is painful.
i can see the separation between what is ME, my pure me, and what is my MIND, that fierce, angry judge.
before, i acted upon my mind, as i believed in its judgment.
now, i cringe when it shows up, because i know i have a few days of battle ahead of me.
me, running towards my dream-goal. the judge, coming up next to me, screaming loudly in my ear, that i am not able, that i am not loved, that i am ugly and that i don't deserve this, so i should turn back, and go the other direction.

i am full of dreams.
and i am also full of broken dreams.
some of them will unfortunately stay broken, but it does not matter. the past is already gone, and a million new possibilities present themselves each day. it is never too late... as long as i start now...and have the courage to keep running despite the ugly, screaming, hysterical judge, dressed in black, blowing his annoying whistle in my little child's ear.

i think i have two very distinct sides to my being. the separation between my pure self and my mind is so sharp. i am very aware of what my pure me is like, and i am very aware of what my judgemental mind is like. lately, the separation is as clear as night and day, as male and female, as yin and yang. once of of them is in its power, it shines and beams and takes over my whole field of existence.

still grateful for all my experiences, forever grateful for all the people i have connected with and places i have seen- floors i have been sitting on and strange foods i've tasted at the side of many bustling streets. i actually would never have it any other way, should i have the possibility to re-write my life. all i would do would be to kick that ugly judge in the ass and fly him to a dark cave somehwere, or maybe even a remote tropical beach in asia. why should I be the one escaping? i had enough escaping to try and get rid of the judge. it always caught up with me, no matter where i was, anyway. time for the judge to go on a lifelong holiday, and for me, the pure, creative, free, and inner-child-me to live my dreams, and more importantly, to love myself and to be able to recieve love from others too.

THANK YOU, life, dreams & freedom


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