to blossom before i die- 24 hours in ibiza

i spent 24 hours in ibiza this week. although it is winter and cold, early spring has arrived in little twinkles. the almond trees are blossoming and the fields are filled with tiny flowers.
the green is so green, greener than ever, after the rains.

this small island is so full of beauty. wherever i lay my eyes, i feel washed with waves of natural beauty. it is a party for the eyes. for some, the island is a party in big nightclubs and hedonistic indulgence.
new life popping up from branches and out of the dark, moist earth.
before new life, there was death.
my childhood friend just lost her mother. we are the same age and have been to school together.
it is scary to know that we are no longer children. it is part of life that our parents die.
many of us already have children.
new life popped up from the moist earth and almond blossoms burst into colours on the dark, dead branch.
life goes on. in cycles. it moves.
we got to keep on moving. that's what my 97-year old grandmother always says. keep on moving. til we die.

but it feels so sad that we have to die.
on the other hand, new life is so full of beauty.
like the eye-party in ibiza- so fresh, green, clean. like a baby. (an alien baby, if green)
maybe we wouldn't be able to appreciate, if we thought it would last forever?

i'm back in Barcelona. it's raining here, and it's cold. 10 degrees is considered cold in this part of the world.
i have friends, i have a job (that i hate), i have Love, i have the sweetest dog in the world, i have my mother and i have my father.
still, i feel i am not appreciating completely. i am not appreciating my own performance. i could do so much more with my life. only fear is holding me back from doing what i want, and i know it, and it hurts. i am afraid to make a fool of myself, afraid to lose something.
which makes me so angry, because i have nothing to lose- because i have nothing.
i am only borrowing some time to live my colours on a branch rooted in the moist earth.
i am only here for a season. i can flower now, until the winter of my life comes, and i will fall to the ground, without looking back.
the time is now.
i am blossoming this season.