My dreams, my life, my near-middle-age-crisis
Now having spent almost half a lifetime deciphering what my conditionings are- trying to shed the identity that was layered onto me like honey onto greek yoghurt- I feel I am now aware of what my conditionings are, what my escape mechanisms are, who some of the thoughts in my head belong to (not me!) and what some of my involuntary opinions and behaviours are coming from and are causing in my life so far.
Ok; I got this far. I know what was layered onto the plain, white canvas that I was when I was born.
And I was also very aware of my dreams all through life, what my soul was really speaking of, beyond the fears and psychological makeup painted onto my canvas through parents, society, country I grew up in.
Now I feel as if I am stuck somewhere in between. I am aware of those layers... and I am somewhat living my dream. And then what? Does that make me happier?
No, actually NOT. I think I enjoyed the search more. The search had such a beautiful mystery to it.
Now I feel like things are not moving me in the same exciting, unknowing way as they used to do.
I feel like I did ALL of the possible soul searching one can do. I used travelling as my vehicle for going far, far away from who I was layered to be, and I shed layer after layer through years and years spent being in environments that were not "mine" or "comfortable" to me, so that I had to face myself in a whole new and different way. I realised what part of me was my mother, which part was my father. Which parts were Sweden- cultural conditioning.
Now, being aware of what is NOT me, but just parts added on top of me, what remains?
I still haven't got very far as to what is the answer to that. The question still remains. Who am I?
I have the life I dreamed of, the picture is good, everything is kind of in place and moving in a good direction.
But I stil, every day, battle with the past and the layers. On a different level though; I observe them. Sometimes I find it more comfortable to ride them all the way, allow them to whisk me away and take me to the ultimate emotions attached to them- and sometimes I really just observe the voices chattering away about this and that. But they just won't go away.
That's a surprise to me. I thought that once you started the process of de-identification with all external things, maybe they would also stay away, out of my baggage?
Maybe I'm just not strong enough to let them go.
And I think I am facing some sort of early middle-age crisis. I keep looking back at my life and thinking "why didn't I follow that dream all the way through" or "why didn't I do MORE with all that freedom I had" and that makes me a bit sad. I feel as if such a huge part of my life is now behind me- the exploration phase, the discovering, the adventure of finding out.
Now I am firmly grounded into the red earth of this small Mediterranean island, and I am on a whole different journey- motherhood- meaning I have to be more still, be in the moment much more, which was always very difficult for me.
I am here, living very close to my dream-life, with a very rich life behind me that I would never trade for anything. But still, not sure what this echoing feeling inside me means. Maybe it was always there, and I just filled it out with adventure and travel and study. I was projecting everything into the future, and here I am now, in my own projected future, a bit afraid to stop the movement, not really able to stop the movement...