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Showing posts from November, 2014

Motherhood and Dreams

I really love being a mother. It came a as a surprise to me, how easily I connected with my new role, and how much I was willing to give, give, give. I always thought myself not so fit maybe for motherhood, as I always cherished my freedom so much, and really appreciated being able to pick up and leave and travel and just go, without a goal, free from possessions and things. I always made sure my jobs were either temporary or on a freelance basis, I always made sure I was pretty much contract-less when it came to my living situation or if it was a contract, that it was maximum 6 months. I always moved, left, packed up. Travelling onwards. My life.

I guess I grew tired of it, too. Chasing my tail, eventually. Looking for inner peace, looking for some sort of happiness inside. I grew weary of never having that one place to put down my stuff and to have my own kitchen with my own things, my own fridge with the type of foods that I like.

It was in India, that I started creating this dre…

When the Northern Wind blows

I once dreamed of living here. It looked so idyllic, so fresh, so clean, so healthy. I thought peace of mind and serenity in my soul would somehow naturally follow when I lived in a place like this. That picking oranges directly from the trees in my garden and making fresh juice out of them, would instill a direct download of a happy, peaceful me. That having November days filled with sunshine and a Caribbean-like sea in front of me whenever I wanted, would naturally connect me with the ultimate feeling of bliss.
I used to promote following your dreams. Working hard to get there, not lose sight of the goal, keep the spirits up. But somehow the journey seemed more exciting than the goal itself.. Now that I'm here, I still have that feeling inside. That I need to go somewhere. But since I'm supposed BE HERE NOW and live my dream here in this place, then there is no more goal to strive towards. I am, so to speak, at the top of my dream-mountain, looking around for happiness. Bu…

Gone swimming

Today I started, finally: swimming! The public swimming pool is two minutes from my sons kindergarden so it's just perfect to stop him off and go there. I just haven't had time so far, it's been so incredibly busy. And for a whole long week now he's been sick. It's been a true nightmare- not just because he was sick but because of the fact that his main comfort, love and safety in life- his breastmilk-has gone. I stopped producing. Apparently it's normal that it either drops dramatically or stops completely at around 16 weeks of pregnancy. And that's exactly what happened- I'm now at 18, and it's just gone since then. He refuses any formula, bottle with any milk, cup, glass... He just wants what he's had since the minute he was born, the place in the world where he feels safe and comforted. I'm mortified that this has happened. I was not prepared and so I feel surprised and in a state of not really knowing what to do.. So I'm just going …

Shit Day

Having a shit day.
Sick child for four long days. Four long nights of not sleeping and days of crying and tantrums. I'm losing my patience. I just want everything to be normal again. Or at least, I'd like him to have a really long nap so I can have some quiet time for me.  Took him to the hospital this morning. Stomach flu.  Went to the post office to ask for a postbox- for the third time. The first time they couldn't do it. The second time the person with the keys weren't there. This time it took them 15 minutes to start the computer and then they started asking me all these stupid questions to fill in their computer-form. After 20 minutes my son threw a tantrum and I lost it completely. Asked her why all this was necessary. Snatched my documents back out of her hand and stormed out of there with a crying toddler, stroller, bag, jackets and myself crying.  I lost it.  No patience, no sleep..  SHIT DAY.