Spring weekend with hormonal roller coaster

 Saturday Morning Walk around the house. We were joined by Xucla the dog, and Igor the cat. The birds were singing all over and around us, the sun was shining with such an intense golden light, and everything was beautifully green and fresh. It really, really feels like there's no turning back to winter now- summer is officially around the corner. 
 Pi and Igor playing in the green green grass. I felt so lucky to be living here. Remembering this time of the year in Sweden; how it might as well still be winter, with snow, icy winds, darkness. How the body and mind shuts down in the cold. How you don't feel like doing anything when it's dark. You just wanna stay home. How the sun makes you open up, feel easy, light, alive. I am starting to think I'll never ever be able to move back to Sweden again. Life is so much easier when you're feeling warm and you have light in your life. I'm so happy that my son gets to grow up with this kind of freedom- freedom from having to dress like a mini-Michelin man for 6 months of the year (at least)
And then the mood turned. Back to ME and my 38-week pregnant body and mind. I'm sooo uncomfortable and i HATE myself right now. I'm heavy, I have heartburn, I have a 3-kilo human balancing on my pelvis and it hurts sometimes. I have really sharp back pains. I hate when people are staring at me and smiling at my HUGE belly. Fuck you all, I wanna tell them. It's not so cute from this perspective, I tell ya. 
And yet, I also don't want to give birth. Not at all. I have a lot of anxiety about it. Remembering the pain from last time makes me full of fear. Don't want to experience that pain again. Don't want to. Don't want to be pregnant any longer. Don't want to. 
Bad, bad mood. Hate everyone and everything. Especially all comments and looks directed to my belly. Can you all just go to hell??


Popular Posts